I’m excited to participate on the August McLaughlin’s Beauty of a Woman BlogFest. Its mission is near and dear to my heart and psyche. I know what happens to one’s ego when you let the others, even the world at large, own your beauty and your body image.
Between the ages of 15 and 23, I was bulimic. No need to share the details, they are pretty widely known.…now. But when I struggled with it–oh sometime last century–the knowledge of feeding disorders were only coming into the light of every day awareness. So at times, trying to get better, just made it worse because no one knew quite how to handle it. The first psychologist I saw just gave me some diet tips (not exactly a brilliant strategy for a teen-age girl with body image issues who was only overweight, if compared to the babes in Glamour or Seventeen). The psychiatrist I went to several years later focused on behavior not the underlying drives, suggesting I watch myself in the mirror when I eat. That didn’t get me very far either. Because behavior was the symptom, I needed to get at the root cause.
What both experts missed, and what I had to figure out myself , was to get better, I had to take ownership—of my body image, my body, and my definition of beauty. It’s a hard lesson that I am trying to teach my daughter. But like most lessons that matter for our children, you can’t just do a worksheet and get it. (We can talk about education on another post). I get as many things wrong as I get right—like most parents–as I see the body images issues starting to rear their ugly head with my head strong tween. Here is what I finally learned, and what I hope to teach her.
So often, we take from the outside—what’s beautiful, what’s healthy, what’s right, the list goes on. We are social beings and we want to belong, to be liked, to be noticed. But by owning ourselves, defining beauty for ourselves, others will begin to see us this way. By owning our beauty, we are teaching the crowd how to see us.
The first line of Margaret Mitchell’s classic Gone With the Wind, really encapsulates the power of ownership:
Scarlett O’Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm as the Tarleton twins were.
While there may be some objective standards of beauty, they don’t matter if you own your own. Maybe that’s what really beauty is—what you define it to be for yourself and the sharing of that with others.
So go ahead, let yourself shine. Own your beauty. It’s your right, your privilege and your responsibility.
What’s been your greatest challenge in accepting and owning your own beauty?
All participants and commenters will be entered into the prize drawing for kindle fire or equivalent Amazon gift card. The more blogs you visit, the greater your chances become. You can tap all the others here.
Thanks for dropping by.
Sabrina
Sabrina Garie is on a journey to create the most kick-ass heroine in romance fiction. You can meet the first heroine in Fires of Justice at Elloras Cave, Amazon, and Barnes and Noble.
I’ve had weight issues since puberty began, so I can relate in a way. It isn’t easy to think of yourself as pretty or desirable when you have a group of teenage boys constantly harassing you. It took a while once I was out of school to think of myself as pretty. It is hard to own your own beauty, but it can be done and is very rewarding.
Its very hard. And in truth, I think its always a journey, never a full outcome. As we age, our bodies change in so many ways that we always have to reexamine what beauty means. Go eyebags! Thanks for sharing Candace.
Nicely done, and what great points. I’m sorry you struggled with bulimia, but happy that you found your way to the other side in one piece.
Thanks Kim. Its funny, the bulimia is so long ago it no longer feels like me but the lessons are forever. Thanks for dropping by.
So well said, Sabrina!
Thanks Naomi.
I couldn’t have said any of this better myself. I developed an eating disorder – which I am still fighting – when I was 17 years old, and a few years ago medication-induced weight gain made me morbidly obese, which was a real knock to my confidence, especially as I was once a semi-pro swimmer who could swim, walk and cycle for miles. Finding yourself unable to get out of bed and – worse – being so heavy that you break the sofa when you sit down does nothing for one’s confidence. Losing all of my front teeth to a genetic disorder didn’t help either. I had always been the svelte, sociable, pretty blonde who aattracted boys/men like bees to pollen and suddenly I was a toothless, fat, useless lump.
I realised I was completely wrong about the meaning of true beauty when my husband continued to love me and still found me desirable. Renewed confidence and self-worth made me glow, and when I realised this I stopped hiding in baggy beige clothing and began wearing bright colours and quirky styles. I’ll smile and show my partial dentures proudly and I make friends easily. I no longer feel like hiding myself away, and it feels wonderful to be free of self-loathing over my appearance.
Bulimia is definitely an awful journey through the hell of our minds where we batter our body. I gained weight as a result of the bulimia. Glad its behind me and glad its behind you. It is easier to enjoy the freedom of ourselves in the bodies we were handed and make the best of it. Thanks for sharing.
[...] Sabrina Garie: Owning Your Own Beauty [...]
[...] Sabrina Garie: Owning Your Own Beauty [...]
[...] Sabrina Garie: Owning Your Own Beauty [...]
“By owning our beauty, we are teaching the crowd how to see us.”
OMG. Shhhhhh. [letting this sentence echo around and around in my head]
WOW. That is one profound statement, my friend. I freaking LOVE IT! It’s so so true! I need to teach my daughter this more deliberately. How do we do this? Holding our head up, making eye contact, SMILING with our mouths *and* our eyes…
Fabulous post, Sabrina. More things we have in common – for me it wasn’t bulimia, but anorexia. Like you said, it wasn’t the problem, it was only a symptom of something internal. I’m so glad you’re healed. Me, too. Aren’t we stronger for it?
Big hugs! xoxo
Thanks Misty. Oh Babe, I’m sorry about the anorexia–I so know and I’m so glad you healed as well. That was one hard, bumpy, twisty road that I’m so glad is behind us. Yes, we’re stronger, more confident, braver–overall just more as a result even though I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Kicking it once in motion required us to be more—to take more ownership of our destiny and definitions. Now, the next challenge is teaching our kids, and we will do it and handle any and all bumps, bruises and twists they throw our way (cause you know they will.) Hugs back.
“What both experts missed, and what I had to figure out myself , was to get better, I had to take ownership—of my body image, my body, and my definition of beauty.”
So true, Sabrina! I overcame an eating disorder too, and now work with women battling the vicious diseases. There are flaws in the treatment system (though great programs do exist)—one of them being an over-emphasis on numbers and eating “normally.” Regardless of the treatment we receive, the decisions and steps forward come down to us—deeply personal decisions, and difficult, rewarding work. I think the same applies to other compulsions, addictions and insecurities.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful insight, and for participating in the fest!
Thanks for holding such a wonderful and needed blogfest. Absolutely true. In the end, treatment for compulsions, addictions, insecurities, obsessions etc… is a support system, not a substitute for personal growth and the decision and determination to heal. If we as individuals don’t make and own that decision to change and to get better, and to accept that along the road of healing missteps are part of the process of change, then we don’t move forward. As long as treatment does not add harm. Thanks for dropping by and thanks again for the blogfest.
Moving post, Sabrina. Thank you so much for sharing your story. So many women struggle with body image, and it is often a symptom of larger issues of self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. I am thrilled that you discovered your own solution.
“What both experts missed, and what I had to figure out myself, was to get better, I had to take ownership—of my body image, my body, and my definition of beauty. ”
This is something we must all eventually learn if we are to be our happiest, healthiest selves.
Thanks Reese. At the base, body image is so often a self-confidence and self -worth issue–as if we value ourselves only by what we look like and everything else–our intelligence, talents, compassion–does not compensate in the calculations. Learning to accept and love ourselves because we are complex and layered with many strengths and weaknesses is absolutely key to being happy and healthy. Glad you dropped by.
Sabrina–what a beautiful post! My biggest takeaway was “I had to take ownership—of my body image, my body, and my definition of beauty.” Those are words to live by.
Thank Kourtney. I believe they are. But like many things, it is more of a journey then a set outcome. It seems we are always in a tug of war between ourselves and the outside world on these issues. Sometimes its fun, sometimes not. Thanks for dropping by. The blogfest has been great fun,
You are right about how difficult it is to teach our children. I thought if I didn’t focus on weight (like had been done when I was growing up), then I thought my kids would have it “easier” than me. But of course there’s the entire world out there doing the opposite. So, so hard. Thanks for sharing your story Sabrina!
So true Colleen. No matter how hard we try, we have so little ability to control the information and messaging they receive from the outside. All we can do is be there for them, help them work it out for themselves, and adapt our style and approach based on what’s working at the time. Thanks for stopping by.
I’ve always love that Scarlett quote.
Me too. I read the book in High School and its one of small number of book first lines I can never forget. Thanks for dropping by,
Yep yep and yep. What you’re saying makes sense on so many levels. To me, the lesson of ownership is really about living a life of consequence. When you have that focus it gives you the ability to take ordinary actions (eating, exercising, writing, creating) and make them an expression of who you are.
This is good stuff Sabrina, thanks for sharing so openly.
Thanks Joe. Ownership is a kind of freedom to move, to fly, just to be, even within the strictures that life often weaves around us. Sometimes those limits are real, sometimes fabricated. I completely agree, owner elevates those ordinary actions, and makes them extraordinary, if only to the others whose lives we touch. Thanks for dropping by.
Great post! In some ways, it makes me quite glad I have a boy – the body image issues are perhaps slightly less. I hope you do manage to get the message through to your daughter. There are so many sources bombarding her with the opposite opinion, I think they can be pretty hard to ignore, even when we know they are false and shallow images. I read an article in the paper here recently about how rare it is for a woman to admit that she thinks that she is pretty – I mean it’s almost shocking to think of someone owning up to it, but why? Why do we have to focus on all the things which aren’t quite perfect about our appearance, even though it’s quite acceptable to realise that you are bright, or creative without being seen to blow your own trumpet if you are!
Hi Kasia. Thanks. Thing about teaching kids is that you just keep doing it on the hope it will get through. Then one day they get it. Its both quite wonderful and incredibly frustrating. A couple weeks ago, my daughter had a sleep over for her 10th birthday. As soon as all the girls got here, she immediately introduced them all. I’ve spent the last ten years teaching about inclusion, the importance of making sure that everyone feels included. It does work, but the key is persistence, staying on message in multiple scenarios–rinse, repeat. There’s no back burner with kids. And so with body image. Its a process, not a lesson. See what you have to look forward it. (It is great though!).
I love the variety of stories in BOAW and I thank you for sharing yours. Having read so much of August’s journey with an eating disorder, I can imagine how it takes great will and emotion to overcome. I’m so glad you did!
Thanks Jess. I would say, like most things, it takes persistence, and most importantly for this and getting through all tough things and changes, a willingness to forgive yourself on the days when you slide back–on step or five. It was a wonderful blog fest. Thanks for dropping by.
To think that two therapists could get it so wrong (for you), and that you had to figure it out on your own, without professional support… I’m all for learning by doing, but what you went through is a step above.
“Maybe that’s what really beauty is—what you define it to be for yourself and the sharing of that with others.”
I think you and Margaret Mitchell both nailed it. I didn’t anticipate how much I would receive in the way of honest personal dialogue, hard-won wisdom, and inspired perspective. Thank you so much for sharing.
HI Ellen. I think the therapists got it wrong because I had bulimia in the late 70s and 80s, when they were just naming the syndromes. Many just were not aware of it. I have no anger, it simply is what happened–what created a situation where I felt like I was fighting it alone. I eventually did find a social worker who specialized in eating disorders who helped me through the final hump. Thanks for dropping by. It has been a rich and rewarding blog fest to participate on.
I’m so glad to know about the LSW, Sabrina. And thank you for highlighting the timing of your bulimia (disordered eating). It’s another whole post, how things have changed on that front in the past 30 to 40 years. Thanks again.
I’m so glad it has changed. I wouldn’t want anyone to have go through what I did, when the cure was part of the problem.
I love your suggestion that we “own our beauty.” It is so easy to focus on what is wrong as opposed all that is beautiful in each of us.
Yes, way too easy. We need to own our flaws too, just to accept ourselves as patchworks of beauty and ugliness, strengths and weaknesses, etc.. We just spend too much time on the negative and make the positive as secondary aspects. The goal is to flip that–use our best energy to appreciate and enhance. Thanks for dropping by.